Throwback Thursday: Snippets from Now - January 11, 2012

The trash can reveals
how much coffee I’ve been drinking
all day.
Strewn torn pink packets and slight
droplets of half milk on the bag.
(I try to make myself feel better about my
consumeristic caffeine driven waste
by reusing my stirring straw.
Aren’t I just so green?)

I hope the janitor doesn’t judge
me.

—-

I’ve worn makeup shadows on my headphones
from wearing them every day
at work while inwardly smiling, laughing,
crying and saying all the things to myself
that I might never say out loud.
To me,
I am the funniest person I know.

24?
I’m now
24?
When the hell did I get so old?

Throwback Thursday: Snippets from Now - January 18, 2012

I put my brand new lipstick on
it’s free of cruelty, they say and it smells like vanilla
only to leave marks of it on my coffee cup
two fake sugars and a cream – like every day
no lover’s lips to turn fuschia
I have been very unkissed lately but I don’t think I mind, for once
no handkerchief to leave a romantic stain on
I lost my grandmother’s handkerchief back in September
no one to notice or see
I spend all day in a closed-up box – I could work naked for hours and probably no one would notice
but as I wipe the marks from the coffee cup
it was a birthday present, you know – my older black coffee cup never showed stains
this is for myself and no one else
and there’s something lovely about that

And so I wait.
My impetus to do something is already gone
And there is nothing to do now but
to see what comes next to change my life.

But I want it now.
I want it all now.
I want the books
and the knowledge pouring into my head
I want the language to speak the things I long to
understand.

And it’s a decision I long to make
but cannot yet
I have no Cinderella shoe
and so I chew on my fingers absently
the way I always do when I am
nervous
and leave dashes of dark pink across my pale skin
as if I have already been bleeding a long long time.

Throwback Thursday: Snippets from Now - February 10, 2012

I dressed up today in a
new blue dress that swings out around me
and makes me feel lovely
red tights and a little bit of heel
and a gold chain round my waist.

I wear makeup and lipstick almost every day-
but really
por che? por che?
I want to scream.

Who is it all for?

No one, nothing, no reason.
except the momentary pleasure I get by
looking in the mirror
until I realize how inexorably alone
I am.

 

——–

I often think of good songs to die to.
I’ll hear something really melancholy on the radio
and think
“Now this would fit.”

Or some terribly happy song from
a commercial for laundry detergent
and realize that it would be something ironic
to play in the background of a suicide.

I could make an entire mix tape
although really, who uses tapes any more?
of songs I have considered leaving the world to.

But it’s nothing, nothing much-
just a thought –
I’m okay-
I just like putting a soundtrack to my life sometimes

And it’s not like anything else momentous
will be happening any time soon.

They don’t know it-
and they wouldn’t understand it if I told them
But my toddling little nieces are the names I put down in boxes
of where things would go if ever something bad
happened to me – where money would flow from my
coffin into their coffers.
I have no one else to leave it to after all –
it’s not like my pet rats would ever use it.

I wonder if those names will ever change or if that
will always be the only beneficiary relationship I have.

Throwback Thursday: Just There

Written March 28, 2010.

I took a shower and
buried myself under water so hot it made my
arm hairs stand on end and then they
looked like bits of pale light covered with
dew drops

And I thought of Dali
how I wandered through his theater in Spain last
May and laughed and chuckled with his paintings
like they were old friends of mine
and shook my head and said to myself
oh Dali, you are such a fucking weirdo.

I was just there- Man, I was just there.

And my new rats are sleeping in one corner of my room
plopped on top of each other's fuzz- nose in tail and
face in belly-
while my older rat Monty on the other side of the room
naps alone- his own head curled under himself as
if to take in the warmth of his own body so he does
not feel so apart and separate

As I too have curled under the bed sheets at night
until my knees hug to my breasts and I can
hear myself breathing and pulsing and I
am not so trapped anymore.

But I still remember waking up above London streets
with the smell of sausage from the sandwich store downstairs
in my nose and the fluffy cloud like
duvet wrapped tight to my arms and then I would
turn and see if she was still sleeping on the other side of the room
and maybe I would fall back to think a bit before I
tried to tackle the day.

And we were just there, dammit, we were just there.

And I am drip drying now in my chair painted green-
hair longer than it's been in a while cold on my back
and my pink and purple fingernails tapping over the keyboard
like what I says makes a difference

They say that Dali was asked to come to a costume party once
dressed as his dreams and when they opened the door he
was standing there in the garb of death.

God, what an amazing weirdo.

And I was just there, girl, I was just there.

Throwback Thursday: 5:29 a.m.

Written in October 2017.

I just found this while going back through some of my old notes. I like it. I need it sometimes. 


5:29 a.m.

I am lost in the moment between asleep and awake
where I find myself dreaming of time to sleep, time to eat
A place to lay my head and a day to do nothing in
without feeling guilty or depressed or like I’m getting behind.

It’s getting to the point where I 
can’t see who I can trust anymore
All these people trying to maneuver
Me- trying to get inside my head

I, a confirmed idealist,
cannot even comprehend the
malice I see around me sometimes-
How can it even exist?

I still, despite everything, 
firmly believe that 
in every person 
there is a spark of good

It’s just that in the digging for the good 
I too often seem to be overcome by the dark
and swamped over and tramped down 
until I am breathless, on the ground.

And I am so frightened by these Masks-
These Masks around me worn by people
weaseling around me and trying to get me
to betray my ideas, my ideals,
while they are smiling and talking and laughing-
before they turn to malice, a slithering green.

And I do not like it,
one bit.

Yet I am grown and I am strong and
I can see through the charade, most times.

I know I trust too easily but I
try not to trust you too easily
And I wish I could trust that easily
without being so afraid of being misled.

And I am tired and I am lost
And I am longing just to go home
to get away from these lies, this hate
these broken bits of my heart on the ground.

Yet, I refuse to become stone-
I’d rather stay loving and trusting and believing in the world
and be hurt thousands of times over
than be one of those who is so hard to everything
that they can’t truly see anything
and thus, die blind to life’s true joy.

So deceive me, mislead me,
try to break me, if you can-
Know that I see you, your mask
for what you are

Your presence, that knowledge-
will never beat me down
Or change who I am

I will go on loving and living
and being blissfully a part of this dancing sphere

And in the part of morning
where sleep hangs in my eyes and
Dreams slip in and out of reality- 
I will dream of a time to rest, to sleep,
and a lovely lovely world.

Journalism! “McCain, Palin speak to crowd of 23,000 in Northern Virginia”

(Published on the UWire Youth Vote ’08 blog on Sept. 10, 2008.  A picture taken for this article was chosen for inclusion on the Wikipedia profiles of John McCain, Sarah Palin, and the presidential campaign of 2008 and can be seen at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:McCainPalin1.jpg. Pictures taken for this article were also published in Japanese newsmagazine “English Zone” and were used in the cover design of “Don’t Tell Me Words Don’t Matter: How Rhetoric Won the 2008 Presidential Campaign” by Joel Pollak.)

FAIRFAX, Va. - It was a cool day in September for Virginia- a slight chill in the air. In the early morning light, a small park in Fairfax was still - slides empty of children, swings idling in the breeze.

Outside however, thousands upon thousands of people were waiting to enter, lined up for an event that would not occur for four more hours- sporting red and carrying signs of every kind. They were waiting, not for a rock star or a celebrity, but for the Republican presidential and vice presidential nominees- Sen. John McCain and Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin.

Congressman Tom Davis, one of the speakers at the event, called the crowd "the largest turnout for Sen. McCain on the campaign trail yet," drawing raucous cheers. The campaign reported that 23,000 people were drawn to hear the candidates speak, proving the predictions of political analysts that Virginia, despite a growing liberal population, is still a battleground state to be won.

And it was a feisty crowd at that- once they got into the park, an audience volunteer instructed specifically, "If you see a protester, don't touch them- the police or the secret service will deal with them. If they start yelling something obscene- try to drown them out by yelling USA, USA!"

While waiting, supporters cheered, waved signs, and occasionally burst out into patriotic songs such as "God Bless America." One particularly enthusiastic woman wearing a sparkly red baseball cap led a group in an anti-Obama song, complete with several verses and chorus. Other members of the crowd wore moose hats in reference to Palin's famed hunting skills and even held up toy elephants decorated with Palin-esque wig and glasses.

Though the crowd was comprised mostly of older adults and families, a number of young McCain fans skipped school to cheer on their nominee.

"We thought it would be a really good chance to make a difference in history and kinda encourage other people from our school to come and support McCain and Palin," 17-year-old Kate Beitel said. "Being here will definitely help us know the different views he has in-depth- being here in person. We can go home and talk to our friends and families."

A few of the students wore T-shirts emphasizing their different views from many of their peers, including two brothers sporting "Young and Right."

Many of the students cited moral issues as their main reason for supporting the Republican candidates.

"I think because we go to a Catholic school, pro-life is our most important issue," said 17-year old Meghann Beamer, a fellow student of Beitel. "We did a really big project on abortion and morality our sophomore year- it really impacted us."

Gabriel Fite, a student at Fairfax Baptist Temple Academy said, "He's pro-life, he's pro-marriage and I heartily agree with that. There are so many people in this world who just think that they can do whatever they want, but no, there needs to be rules."

Speakers from a number of different viewpoints appeared at the rally- including former supporters of Sen. Barack Obama and Sen. Hillary Clinton.

Psychologist Lynette Long, introduced as a feminist, mother, and ardent Clinton supporter, spoke of why she chose to vote for McCain after Obama was picked as the Democratic presidential nominee.

"You can't have a government devoid of women that knows what's right for women," Long said. "You can't legislate for women without women."

As the sun rose higher into the sky, the now sweaty crowd grew excited when the campaign's fleet of cars drove down the hill towards the stage. As "Eye of the Tiger" was blasted out over the loudspeaker, McCain and Palin got out of a car and walked onto stage with their spouses.

"It's so great to be here in the most beautiful area in Northern Virginia," Palin said. "...I'll tell you we are so excited about to be here. We recognize that it is going to be real hard fight here in Virginia. But John and I are ready and with your help we will win."

Once McCain stepped up to the podium, he emphasized his and Palin's reputation for maverick behavior, stating at one point, "How many of you are tired of the same old business, the same old-boy cronyism that exists in Washington D.C.? You're sick of it and I'm sick of it. We're going to bring about change. Senator Obama has never taken on his party on a single issue, while we've taken on the old boys. My running mate ran against an incumbent Republican governor, and by the way, beat him like a drum."

McCain also addressed his energy plan, emphasizing the use of all options, including off-shore drilling and nuclear power.

"I can tell you now, and there are some navy veterans out here in the crowd that can tell you, we've sailed navy ships around the world and nuclear power plants are safe," McCain said. "It's inexpensive and doable."

He also added that the development of alternative energies would create thousands of new jobs.

"Change is coming and it's coming to our nation's capital and we're going to clean it up," McCain said, to raucous cheers.

Journalism! Clinton, Obama, Address Supporters at JJ Dinner

Hey, check out this story I wrote and had published on my college news website in 2008!

 Senators Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama spoke in front of a group of approximately 4,000 Democratic officials, activists and supporters at the Virginia Democrat’s annual Jefferson-Jackson fundraising dinner in Richmond Saturday night.

 The crowds of supporters at the Stuart C. Siegel Center at Virginia Commonwealth University competitively traded cheers for their candidate of choice and waved signs in an atmosphere that more resembled a college basketball game than a political fundraiser. Though many of the attendees at the event were dressed in tuxedos and evening gowns, some in the crowd who paid just to see the program were just as likely to be sporting jeans and t-shirts, with campaign buttons the accessory of choice for the evening.

 Several themes appeared in both Clinton and Obama’s speeches, as the candidates worked to excite and inspire the crowd.

 “The Democratic Party must stand for change,” said Obama. “Not change as a slogan, not change as a bumper sticker, but change we can believe in.”

 “You know, for me, politics isn’t a game,” Clinton said. “It’s not about who’s up or who’s down. It’s about your lives, your families and your futures. And isn’t it about time you had a president who brought your voice and your values to your White House?”

 Both candidates addressed the recent appearance of Senator John McCain as the front runner for the republican presidential nomination.

 Clinton spoke in fighting terms to a room that booed whenever McCain’s name was mentioned.

 “If I am your nominee," said Clinton. "You will never have to worry that I will be knocked out of the ring, because I have the strength and experience to lead this country and I am ready to go toe to toe with Senator McCain whenever and wherever he desires.”

 Clinton also described President George W. Bush and Vice President Dick Cheney as “the oilmen” on one occasion. She said that McCain represented “more of the same.”

 "We have tried it President Bush's way: concentrate wealth, hoard power, disregard science, shred the Constitution, smear dissenters, impugn patriots," Clinton said.

 Obama initially spoke well of McCain, saying, “He is a good man and a genuine American hero and we honor his service.”

 However, Obama also criticized McCain heavily for his stance on current policy.

 “He once opposed George Bush's tax cuts for the wealthiest few who don't need them and didn't ask for them,” Obama said. “He said they were too expensive and unwise. And he was absolutely right. But somewhere along the line, the wheels came off the Straight Talk Express, because he now supports the very same tax cuts he voted against. This is what happens when you spend too long in Washington. Politicians don't say what they mean, and they don't mean what they say."

 Clinton and Obama also both referred to their respective health care plans.

 “I am the only candidate left in this race, democratic or republican, with a health care plan to cover every single man, woman and child,” Clinton said. “I believe health care is a fundamental human right and a moral obligation for the United States of America.”

 “My plan would bring down premiums for the typical family by $2,500 a year,” Obama said. “And the one difference between my plan and Senator Clinton's plan is that she said she'd ‘go after' your wages if you don't buy health care. Well I believe the reason people don't have health care isn't because no one's forced them to buy it, it's because no one's made it affordable - and that's why we bring down the cost of health care more than any other plan in this race.”

 Obama also mentioned his desire to provide the best education possible for American children, by working to raise teacher’s pay and providing $4,000 a year tax credits for Americans to help pay for a college education.

 Both candidates spoke of the need to get American troops out of Iraq, but Clinton said distinctly, “I will start to bring them home after 60 days,”

Obama stated that he believes the party will unite behind whoever the eventual nominee is.

"Senator Clinton was my friend before this race started, and she'll be my friend after this race," he said.

A super short story from a prompt

 “I’ll see you in hell,” I said cockily, as I turned the gun toward the last man in front of me. It had been a long day of chasing down villains and gaining my long sought revenge against those who had killed my parents. It was the culmination of 10 years of training, hard work and long nights, traveling around the world to learn from the most dangerous of women, the deadliest human weapons ever known. And here was the last one, right before me, with wide eyes and wild hair and a mouth pleading with me in words I chose not to listen to. I smiled, started pulling the trigger, and my world blew apart in a searing pain.

I came to in an elevator, pimento green, with light organ music playing. Was that the girl from ipanema? I was sitting on the ground and quickly stood up, to lean against the railings and take my bearings. There must have been another person in the room I didn’t see, someone who shot faster than I did. I cursed under my breath. Was this then, the end? I came to the last stage of my quest and I died before finishing it?

The elevator door opened with a light ding. I stepped out into a cool blue room, filled with a hodgepodge of people. Some were in various states of disarray, sweaty and panting; others were dressed to the nines, still others just looked like they had strolled in from running errands at the grocery store. Everyone looked bewildered. It was strangely quiet.

A microphone screeched and thudded and the crowd winced en masse. A carefully coiffed Indian woman in a lime green skirt suit stood in front of a bland ikea painting on the wall, her long glossy hair sprayed and curled into high, large Jackie Kennedy style submission, a shiny red smile plastered on her lips.

“My apologies for that noise,” she said in a clipped accent as she folded her hands in front of her, a clipboard tucked under her arm against her side. “Welcome, welcome, to today’s intake room 23. If you’re here, you must have said, ‘I’ll see you in hell’ at some point in your life.”

I blinked at her along with the rest of the people. What an arbitrary distinction.

“Now, that’s a sin of wrath, so you’ve been sorted into this terrace of hell. But since we have so many souls to deal with these days, we’ve had to become very particular with our divisions of groups simply to make things more manageable,” she chirped at us. “Get used to this quickly; you’re going to be here forever and the snack bar is open but your options will never change. Okay, I’ve got to go run and welcome intake room 24! Have a lovely eternity!”

She switched the microphone off and ran off to a door on the side no one had noticed before, her heels clacking on the tile. The door vanished as soon as she closed it behind her.

I looked around at the others next to me, all of us dumbfounded into silence. The girl from ipanema still played in the background.